Thursday, 26 July 2012

A fork in the road, a divergence in the wood, and other fun travelling metaphors.

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. I've been sort of insanely busy, and I had no internet service, and that always helps a lot with logging things on the web. So, let me quickly bring you up to date, gentle readers:

I moved. Yup. I finally got well and truly out of Listowel. Not just moved away for school. Real, grown up, changed-the-address-on-my-license-and-everything moved. That was basically my only goal for life, and I never really thought it would happen for reasons that clearly are no longer worth mentioning.

I achieved my only real goal for life. Did you hear that? That's pretty good. Most people don't ever get to say that. I do. You know who doesn't? Bill.

Who's Bill? Bill is Kilgore Trout's bird. Probably stop reading if you haven't finished Kurt Vonnegut's collection, or at least Breakfast of Champions.

Oh, you've read it? Then let me go on.

I think the moment that Bill doesn't leave his cage in Breakfast of Champions is one of the most poignant moments in all of literature (or at least the bits I've read so far). And yet, I left my cage. And do you know what? I suppose in the back of my mind, I always thought Bill was wrong. Right in a way, but also wrong. Because you know what's better than hope, Bill? Flying. I mean, I've never done it, but I bet it is.

Anyway, that's kind of where I'm at. I left my cage, and I don't know where to go now. I'm not a bird, though, so I'm sure I could find something else to hope for besides getting out. But I haven't yet, and while I'm kind of enjoying flying (read: having a huge library, and a gym, and 24-hour grocery stores with strange produce, and a garbage chute), I'm also not sure what to do next, particularly in terms of finding my career path.

About six thousand roads just diverged in the wood, and I--I have no idea which one to travel by. And that is making all the difference to my current level of contentment. Which is to say, I feel a little weird without a goal in mind. I don't like being stuck standing still, but I'm pretty sure most of these roads are gated and locked and I don't have the key, and the remainder are undesirable to me.

Somewhere here, surely, there's one where I'm supposed to go, like Katy Perry says:


No joke: I adore Katy Perry. Immensely.


But I haven't found it yet. And I can't decide what to do. And okay, I'm going to be honest, I'm so afraid of failure (because I know  feel that everyone is waiting for me to fail) that I'm kinda paralyzed with fear of choosing the wrong thing and dooming myself to ridicule.

The annoying thing is that I make enough money now that taking a really crappy job, even if I'd like it more (I would. I undoubtedly would.) would be irresponsible. But I don't make enough money now to stick with my job, which actually is not entirely secure over the long term.

Probably I'll just wait until I lose my current job, and they release the hounds of poverty to drag me down, and I have to tear recklessly down one of these many divergent paths, and I'm no betting gal, but if I were, I'd just go buy the McDonald's uniform now.

But until then, if you need me, I'll be here, standing at the fork in the road.

4 comments:

  1. I didn't realize you'd moved! I'm really out of it, Twitter-wise. I have to pay more attention. I'm so happy for you! That's great!

    I get job stuff. I'm in the middle of it myself. It's tough. But you've got the new place going for you, which is awesome. The rest will fall in line, I know it.

    Yay for changes of scene!

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    1. Thanks, Amy! I'm sure it will all come together eventually, once I pick something to work toward. I was actually thinking of you while I was writing that post (especially that last bit). I know everything will work out for you, too, and you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER than before. You deserve it!

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  2. Okay, so I skipped over the paragraph with the Kurt Vonnegut references. Don't hate me for my lacking literary knowledge.

    I read the rest though and am here to say that some of us (well, probably actually all of us) are standing in the background waiting for you to SUCCEED!!! There is no wishing for failure....ever. There is only wishing for you to find your path, go down it and make something fabulous happen. Makes no difference what it is. Just do it and like it!! Oh, and it would be a big plus if it could keep the hounds of poverty at bay too!!

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    1. a) I don't hate you, and I would guess you know more author's names than I do. Your knowledge is just different.

      b) Thanks for not being sure I will / wanting me to fail. It's good to know someone feels that way!

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