I would actually like to be in a relationship. I don't need to be in a relationship, but I've come to the conclusion that I find it fulfilling to be in one. You know, I've got all this love to give and nobody to give it to. Gag yet? Throw up in your mouth a little? Cool. Then you're right where I wanted you to be to understand how I feel when people try to offer me advice or words of encouragement about the fact that no matter how many people I date, I never seem to get past a third date. And three dates was a record. Usually I don't get past one.
When people offer me their platitudes, I generally give an understanding nod while I furrow my brow thoughtfully and then after a contemplative pause, I reply, "Hm. Maybe. Maybe." Then I say, "Whatevs, at least I'm getting laid!" because it's good for a laugh since everyone knows I'm not.
Here is what I would rather say to the people who offer stupid advice that doesn't make anything feel better:
They say: You just haven't met the right person yet
No fricking kidding. Which detective school did you go to?
If I have at all created the impression that I've met too many of the right people and I'm just having trouble choosing, then I apologize for the misrepresentation.
They say: You probably just intimidate people.
How? How would I intimidate people? Is it all my smashing career success and hoards of money that's putting people off? No, it can't be because I have neither of those things.
And even if I do intimidate people, what am I supposed to do to fix that? Put on a pastel dress and pink nail polish and twirl my hair and act like this head is just a hat rack? No thanks. I'm good.
They say: Maybe you're just not putting yourself out there.
Okay, you've got a point there, actually. I don't go to bars and try to pick up men, and I don't engage in other group activities where I might meet men. And I'm not just going to university to get my MRS if you know what I mean. (And I'm sure you do because that's a stupid saying that everyone's heard.) So, okay, valid point. But I'm not going to go out of my way to do things I have no real interest in just to meet men. I have 99 problematic scheduling conflicts already, and I don't need another one.
They say: Are you really ready for a relationship, though?
That's like saying, "Aren't you too fucked up for a relationship?"
The answer to the first is yes, yes I am ready for a relationship. The second is
They say: Your standards are too high.
Oh, oh, because I'm not good enough for a guy who's smart and funny and kind and who would treat me with respect? Is that what you're saying? Should I lower my bar to exclude only beating and cheating? Also, this is essentially like telling me I'm playing out of my league, which is, by extension, essentially like telling me that I'm not very desirable, which is, again by extension, also like telling me you're a giant douche.
They say: Did I ever tell you about how Fred and I met?
Of course they don't really say Fred. Nobody is actually married to anyone named Fred. Except my Uncle Fred's wife, I suppose. But the annoying thing is that they feel the need to tell me how they met the person with whom they have found ultimate lifelong happiness, and I just want to say, "Rub salt in the wound, why don't ya?"
I get it--you were just walking down the street or picking out melons or sitting in a bar and the love of your life walked up to you and introduced himself. Bully for fricking you. I feel soooo much better now knowing that other people just stumble into this shit, and I go out and meet awesome guys who I think are terrific and they just sort of vaporize. It's just so good to know that other people are happy. Enjoy your making breakfast together and raising babies with someone and having a dual income. I'll be over here with a shot of tequila. Because that's what perpetually single chicks do. They drink tequila.
I apologize for being ranty and personal and possibly offending someone who has said any of those things to me. But you know what would be a better thing to say: NOTHING. Don't ask me about my dating life (because I tend not to just offer this information readily, except on Twitter) if all you wanted to do was give yourself a feelgood by being the expert on dating.
But if you must ask because you're married and bored and these things amuse you, then a good response is "Sounds like that sucks." That's it. That's all you've gotta say. Or, honestly, NOTHING is still an option. You could just give an understanding nod while you furrow your brow thoughtfully and then after a contemplative pause, reply, "Hm. Maybe. Maybe."