Some time ago, I was having a conversation with Sara on Twitter, and I mentioned to her that Stupid People Ruin Everything. She suggested we should have a club called "Stupid People Ruin Everything" and that we should have t-shirts. And I am always saying "I want that on a t-shirt" so I can't believe I didn't think of it myself, but now that it's been thought, it needs to be brought to glorious wearable fruition.
I've added designing a shirt.woot! t-shirt to my bucket list because if there's one thing I look for in a bucket list item, it's total, inarguable unattainability*. Kinda like my romantic life that way. In support of my request for a Stupid People Ruin Everything t-shirt to be made, I started thinking about all the things that stupid people ruin. Because, yes, I have that much free time, apparently. And because it's true.
First of all, Playgrounds
Stupid people ruined playgrounds. I remember my local park used to have so many awesome play structures. For example, there was this giant metal circle that spun around a metal pole at its centre and like forty kids could sit on the circle part, or like three teenagers could be assholes on it--I'm not going to say which group I was in. If you weren't careful, you'd get trapped between the big metal circle and the pole, and it was probably just a decapitation waiting to happen. But stupid people used to just have to suffer the consequences of their stupidity and the rest of us got to enjoy the world.
But then stupid parents let their toddlers play on what is obviously a death trap of a piece of playground equipment. And stupid kids (yeah, I said it) who don't know well enough not to allow themselves to be dragged by the spinny thing had to be coddled and rules needed to be made to protect them from their own mental deficiencies Stupid people. They ruined fun.
Number Two: My Ability to Not be Harassed by Scammer Types
This is actually what I was referring to when I told Sarah that stupid people ruin everything. Specifically, I said that if stupid people didn't exist to click on spambots' links on Twitter, they would go away. But the principle extends to all people who fall for all schemes. Except old people, because they're cute and I have too much respect for my elders to accuse them of ruining anything. (But let's be honest, they're ruining it. Old people don't read inside of parentheses, right? Thought not.)
The fact is that if nobody was stupid enough to fall for the most basic of all possible scams, I wouldn't get spam emails anymore, I wouldn't get phone calls from "my bank" asking me to "verify my account information" anymore, and I wouldn't get these people at my door telling me they need to check that my hydro/gas bill is properly signed up with them. They would go away and never come back if stupid people didn't keep making their activities profitable. Shape up, stupid people.
I'm not saying packaging was super special to me before, but do we really need SO MANY warnings on everything? Like, I'm sorry to the guy it actually happened to, but when you ordered your coffee you should have assumed it would be hot, you twat.
What the hell is wrong with us as a people if we really need our cup to say "BE CAREFUL! THE BEVERAGE YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENJOY IS HOT!" How many of us are reading that and then going "Hot? Coffee? Good to know!" None. But people pretend to be EVEN STUPIDER than they really are so they can capitalize on their own false stupidity in order to litigate based on the assumption that someone else should have assumed they were stupid and warned them of things like This Meat is Frozen and Ice is Slippery and Coffee is Hot.
And finally, my personal pet peeve: SPELLING
I generally blame this on all Americans, but it's really just the stupid Americans that are to blame. Doubled consonants in 'ed' and 'ing' words like 'travelled' and 'carolling' have been banished--outlawed, I tell you!--by the United States of America because so many people couldn't spell so many words that they just decided to change it. I completely believe that's why. There's no such thing as "conservation of letters." We're not running out of letters. We've been working with these twenty-six for quite a while, and the resources don't seem to be depleting. It was the stupid people that needed to be accommodated.
Also, they got rid of judgement with an E in the middle. They just have judgment now, which is just a completely different word actually, but again--stupid people. As if it weren't enough that they ruined fun, freedom from harassment, and packaging, they're ruining the entire damn language now, too.
SO, TO SUM UP
I want my "Stupid People Ruin Everything" T-shirt. Because it's true, and it's funny, and gosh darn it, people would like it.
*Okay, what the shit, English language? Unattainable - word; attainability - word; unattainability - not word? This language is bullshit.** That's why I'm forced to make up so many words.
** If you didn't hear "This language is bullshit" as a rephrasing of "This wedding is bullshit" from Step Brothers, then you're so lucky that you don't go around using that all the time without anyone ever knowing what you're talking about. Teach me. Please?