Thursday, 4 August 2011

The Biggest Disservice Women Have Done to Themselves Since The Invention of Sliced Bread
(Because Before That, I Bet We Got to Slice It and That, When You Think About It, Is A Lot of Power)

Men, you may not want to pay attention to this post if you don't like chick stuff. Or you may want to if you're looking for something you can shove in your significant other's face and say "I told you it's a real thing" next time she's crabby. Your call.

The beginning of last week, I was feeling really down on myself. So down on myself that I nearly purchased a giant black eyeliner and a studded belt to start my transition into emo. I was all "nobody gets me" and "everybody hates me" and "aw, why does the manic phase always have to end?"

Then I got cramps one day, and the light bulb went off that I had PMS.
This happens every single month. Every month I'm all like "Gawd, why am I in such a bad mood?" and then three days later, "Oh yeah."

I have never been known for my stellar pattern recognition skills. I remember in the fourth grade, I din't notice until three quarters of the way through the year that our spelling tests were always on Thursday. I thought it was just on a random day each week. So I never prepared, and I'd always be like, "Man, why don't they tell us when the spelling test is coming up?" and I bet people were really surprised that I was smart enough to always get perfect on those spelling tests.  But God never borrows from one brain centre without giving to another.

So it comes as no shock to me that I personally didn't notice until I was in my mid-twenties that I get PMS, but it comes as a huge shock that most of the perfectly able-minded female population of the world continues to deny that it's a reality. It seems like such a disservice to all of us.

I wonder how many times this conversation has gone down:
female: "screechy rant, very upset, blah blah blah"
male: "Honey, this seems irrational. Are you getting your period soon?"
female: "NO! How dare you!? This is REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!"
female flies across the room and latches onto male's head like a well-sated praying mantis

And I don't get it. Because I want an excuse for my irrational behaviour. Every woman who has ever flown into a blind rage over you not calling her to tell her that you picked up soap because she picked up soap too and now what the hell are we going to do with two big bottles of soap? you know this really could have been avoided if you would just COMMUNICATE MORE!!

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, every woman who has ever become irrationally worked up knows that she's being irrational. It feels awful. Even as you're flying off the handle, you're thinking why the hell am I doing this?

I used to appreciate when my spousal equivalent would say to me, "Um, I think you might have PMS" and I could reply, "You're right. This insane rage is totally not my fault. And life-giving hormones mean never having to say you're sorry."

It's the greatest excuse in the world because men will never understand it, and they don't want to. They don't want to get close enough to your inner wacko to ever be able to question whether you should be able to control it, or whether it's really normal to get PMS three times a month.

Use it to your advantage, ladies. That's all I'm saying.

If you're going to try to make this work for you, get a calendar and never get it wrong. Because if she's legitimately sad or pissed about something you did--and let's face it: a lot of you really are kind of asshats sometimes--then you will never live to forget the day that you tried to disregard her very real pain. Walk softly.

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