Friday, 12 August 2011

9 Things You Would Hate About Me

You know what annoys me? The fake self-deprecating thing everyone does. You know--where they say something as if "Oh, this is the most awful thing about me" even though they know it's endearing. That drives me crazy. So in protest, here are ten things that you would genuinely hate about me if you knew me (which I think you'll soon agree, is not highly recommendable):

1. I'm always late
Always. This drives everybody crazy. I am just known as the person who WILL be late. To everything. Usually even to my own functions. It's inconsiderate and disrespectful, but I can't for the love of all that is holy figure out how to be on time.

2. I forget things A LOT
I try not to commit to things (you would hate that about me, too) but if for some reason I do, you'd better remind me because I will forget unless it's something I'm really super looking forward to.

3. I never return things I borrow
I've stopped borrowing things now, but I still have a VHS copy of What Dreams May Come that I borrowed from a friend in the tenth grade. Every time I see it, I set it out so I remember to give it to her. I never do. She doesn't even have a VCR anymore. I suck.

4. I'm a nerd
Not in the cute "pretty girl with glasses on" or the internet-cool geek way. Just a nerd. In the "I kind of want to go out, but even more I want to stay home and read this book"  and "I'm nearly 29 years old and I still have no idea how to dress myself" way. I don't even wear glasses, which I think would make me a cute nerd. I should look into some fake ones.

5. I'm a terrible friend
I don't have a lot of friends because I don't stay in touch. I'm kind of a social transient, and have lots of acquaintances and few actual friends. Not so much because I prefer it as because it's just where I feel comfortable. I don't want to be expected to be any place any time. I like relationships in which if I show up, that's cool, and if I don't, nobody misses me or complains about it.

6. I'm kind of negative
In actuality, it's just a front--I feel like I'm one of the happier, more positive people I know--but regardless, it comes off as me being truly cynical and choleric. People just don't get that I'm kidding and/or hiding my hopeful optimism because I don't want you to crush it.

7. Apparently I'm scary when I'm angry
I honestly don't understand this, but some of the people who know me best insist that when I'm really angry, I'm scary. I don't remember ever doing anything awful to anybody most people. I can be pretty snide, and I do deliberately try to make people feel stupid when I'm angry with them, but if I'm angry at you, you deserve it, because I don't get angry very easily, so either suck it up or stop acting like a douche.... hm, yes, I guess I see how I can be kind of mean.

8. I will go on for hours about literature and why you should think what I do about it
I chose possibly the most unrelatable, impractical, boring field of study in the world BUT I LOVE IT. I will talk to you about literary criticism and never pick up on your overt boredom cues. I will explain to you why you should have liked a book you hated or shouldn't have liked a book you loved. I'm really annoying.

9. I'm judgemental
Like how I judge everyone for their fake self-deprecation. I write people off as 'someone I think I'd rather not know' over what I think are probably relatively minor things. And I have absolutely no right. I should be one of those people who's just glad someone wants to talk to me. Especially after people read this blog post. It's okay if you don't want to talk to me anymore. As per point #5, I may actually prefer it.

Yes, I originally said ten things at the top, but I could only think of nine, so nine it is. If you know me well enough to do so, please feel free to drop suggestions for #10 in the comments. I'm sure there are many. Your anonymity is appreciated so I can go on thinking  you don't hate me.

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